hidden so deep

about 24 years ago, i was adopted. it's taken me this long to realize that it's a little confusing. it's also taken me this long to realize that i am not white.

Month: December, 2014

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I have been tempted to walk away from everything. Occasionally I travel internationally, and more than once I’ve thought about just losing my passport and all identifying information, and just walking away. I think people would be sad for a little while, but everyone gets over the loss of someone else in some way. I think I have a basic belief that I’m not intrinsically valuable, that I’m interchangeable and replaceable. I don’t think this intellectually, but maybe I believe it emotionally anyways. I’ve dreamed of being free of all the expectations and burdens of this perfectly successful and normal life. I’ve dreamed of being as cold and crazy and true to myself on the outside as I sometimes feel on the inside. I have dreamed of disappearing, of forcing all my family and friends to move on without me

There are times when I wish I didn’t exist. I don’t mean that I wish to die, but to simply not exist. I think because I don’t feel love, I experience a self-imposed isolation and unbearable loneliness. I’m old enough to know that I’m past the age that I can learn to love, and that I’m just made badly. I also believe that most of the people who love me have experienced more pain because of my existence. Sometimes I imagine driving off bridges or into trees, and it is a very thin glue that holds me from it.

Anonymous, “Secrets,” Lost Daughters.

Currently thinking about the intersections of adoption, genetics, pre-verbal trauma, and mental illness–particularly my own.

xv.

Over the past few weeks, I have felt outraged, defeated, challenged, panicked, foolish, lost, saddened, numbed, frustrated, and confused. I have been a dickbag hijacker/derailer; I have thrown fits; I have tried to write; I have tried to talk; I have tried to listen. I have attended a rally; I have donated money; I have questioned myself; and, naturally, I have been reading so much that my eyeballs are falling out.

I thought maybe I would write something about the deaths of Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, Teaira Whitehead, and the countless black women and trans-identified folks who are so ignored and marginalized by society (read: me as a part of that society) that we do not even speak their names.  I will continue to examine and question my own internalized and externalized anti-Blackness; my own actions/inactions; and the crux of being a whitewashed, cishet, able-bodied Asian American who foolishly keeps loving her unaware, racist, homophobic, transphobic white family, against all reason.  But, at least right now, I don’t think the world needs words from me about this. Instead, I want you to read and hear the voices that most of white America wants to ignore, punish, erase, and murder.

Here are a few writings that have helped me to examine, question, resent, and reformulate my own thoughts and actions regarding racial privilege and intersectionality.   Sometimes I am horrified by myself, but that is not enough– and I am thinking about that.  I may come back and add more. And I promise to return soon with some words of my own, but it won’t be about this–not directly. In this second, I would just like to listen, absorb, and most importantly, believe wholly the words that I am reading.  And if you are white or a non-black person of color, I suggest you do the same.

Stacia L. Brown, “For Tamir, Who Was Stolen”
Ezekiel Kweku, “The Parable of the Unjust Judge or: Fear of a N*gger Nation”
amazing-how-you-love, “I’m Tired of Asian Bloggers Extolling Moderation”
Trudy/Gradient Lair, “Anti-Blackness And The Myths Of ‘Monoracial Privilege’ & The ‘White/Black Binary'”
Trudy/Gradient Lair, “Privilege and Using Individual Compliments/Insults To Derail Conversations About Oppression”
Rawiya Kameir and Judnick Mayard, “The Unbearable Whiteness of Protesting”
Anonymous/Unnamed Submitter, “To my Asian community and family-“
Center for Story-Based Strategy, “Storify: #Asians4BlackLives”