I have been pushing everything away lately, tired of thinking and of examining those thoughts. Instead I read and read and read and let it all digest in my gut. I let the bile chew away at others’ words and wonder: should I keep going? Is this line of investigation still worth the consequence?
By consequence, I mean the ability to notice and critique instances of racial and social injustice around me. It feels so wearying. I feel as though the more I read and devour and think, the more frustrating the world becomes. The more likely I am to feel angry or sad or frustrated or annoyed at an off-the-cuff remark or a racially-infused catcall. The internet makes it feel impossible to ignore the instances of racism I see and sometimes experience. Which is great, because I can recognize areas where I still falter and where the world still falters. It’s also kind of terrible, because in instances where I wouldn’t even hear someone’s upsetting words flying by me as I think about other things, I now become increasingly frustrated every time I notice it.
I feel exhausted but naive, never surprised at how shitty people can be but constantly surprised when it happens to me.
And so I wonder, is it worth it? To sometimes feel overly sensitive and to be upset more often than I was before? Of course, these things would happen whether I get upset or not. And none of us has a choice of when racism will be sprung upon us–others WILL experience it and WILL notice it and WILL be hurt by it no matter how hard I pretend they won’t. Maybe the only way to start changing things is to get upset about them. On the other hand, I’m concerned that it will destroy me.